6 Horrible things that now I’m an adult I know …

 

My sister says I’m a child with money, a job and a drivers license so I wouldn’t call myself an adult. But I’m 23 now so according to the law I’m an adult. A living with her parents, no bill paying, immature, in no way self sufficient ‘adult’. That’s actually just reminded me I need to book a doctors appointment, let me just go tell my mum.
Actually I think I’m being hard on myself, I do do some grown up things. I mean none spring to mind right now but I’ll let you know.

There’s some horrible things you realise when you get older so I’ve written a blog post on them, try not to kills yourselves.

 

1. You probably won’t ever be a Princess.

On the eve of the royal wedding me and my mum walked Lola at the reservoir. It was when we were giving her swimming lessons so we were sat on the side of the water whilst Lola did her laps and practiced doggy paddle.

We were sat putting the world to right and I had a mental breakdown. I was crying about all sorts, a levels, failing my driving test etc, but what I was really upset about was that it had sunk in that I’d probably never be a Princess. Actually almost certainly I wouldn’t be a Princess.

It seems like a pretty obvious thing but I hadn’t really thought about it that seriously til then. I wasn’t really involved with that elite circle and my parents didn’t have property in Chelsea so it was sort of a done deal at that point. When you first want to be a Princess, aged 3 or whatever, you don’t know where your life will take you. At age 3, you could be a genius and get sent to an amazing school, go to the same uni as the Prince and it could develop from there. But aged 17, having already joked my way through a terrible high school and chosen my a level subjects, that didn’t include PPE, it was pretty certain, my chances of being a Princess were over. And when that sets in, it can be quite a lot to take ok.

 

 

2. It’s very unlikely that you’ll get to go to the moon.

Unless you have chosen that as a career, you probably won’t be an astronaut, and that’s quite depressing.

It’s quite the commitment being an astronaut, all the working away and eating liquidised everything. I’ve got motion sickness so I wouldn’t even last two seconds in a rocket but it’s still quite upsetting when you realise you’ll never get to go to the moon. Apparently seeing earth from the moon is a lovely view and I like nice views but that’s one that I’ll almost definitely not see. I’m sure theres lot of things I won’t get to see but if I really wanted to I could, but not the moon, or any other planets for that matter. I have always wanted to feel what it’s like with no gravity and they’ve built machines that do that now so that’s great news and hopefully I’ll do that one day. No moon for Liv though.

3. Your mum and dad will die.

That’s a given unless you die before them. Grandparents as well which is just horrendous. AND dogs. Lola is going to die in my lifetime and I don’t really see the point in my life if Lola’s not in it. Some people say they’d never get a dog again because they couldn’t deal with the heartbreak, but you can’t make the decision not to have parents which is annoying. Some people hate dogs and their parents so they’ll never have to deal with this but Lola is my absolute god and my parents are great so I’m screwed.

 

4. I’ll never know what it’s like to be in prison.

After watching OITNB and the documentary on Strangeways I kind of want to know what it would be like and who’s bitch I’d be. I could go to prison but that would rule out any other serious career path which is not a committment I want to make. Its either or really, you either go down the drug smuggling internationally wanted prisoner or not, you can’t dip in and out of that industry, all or nothing. You never know, I might get bored at 34 and deicde I’ve made the wrong choice, but for now, I’m planning on the non criminal route. And that means I won’t get to see what prison life is like. I’ll also never get to be a prisoner in Alcatraz, so that’s a shame.

UNLESS I’m like Teresa Giudice and manage to do the real housewives thing THEN do the prison thing. Fingers crossed.

5. I’ll never see Queen live.

Ergh, annoying. This is a definite, and I’m not interested in seeing Brian May or the short one so don’t even think about saying ‘you can still kinda see queen’ no I can’t. Unless theres been some big mix up and Freddie is fine, I’ll never see Queen live which is shitty because I think I’d enjoy that.

I could see Beyonce though and I bet when she’s dead people will write blog posts about how they wished they’d been alive in her time. I also saw Fuse ODG and he’ll go down in history so I should count my blessings.

 

6. Think about how much tax you’ll pay in your life.

How fucking awful is tax. It kills me when I’m bored at work and think ‘wonder if I’m even getting paid for this second or if it’ll be taken off me because of this ridiculous society we live in’. In my life time, how much money with I earn and not get? Probably loads, the only way is to not earn anything, or tax avoidance, or drug dealing. Maybe I’ll get to go to prison after all so ignore number 4.

Instead of imagining your tax going to overly fertile little scrots, just think of all the lovely old people it keeps warm. Or, nurses and doctors and the police who are great and save lives (shout out to my two besties, you two deserve all ma pennies) nothing against the fire service I just don’t know any firemen.

 

 

 

 

I thought of a grown up thing I do, I write blogs with no help from adults! I also got an MOT done last week, on my own. I eat at restaurants alone AND I go to the doctors on my own. I also have a job that I go to on my own, and I make phone calls to strangers.

Told you I was an adult.

5 annoying people we came across on our holiday…

If you haven’t already gatherered, I’m not a huge fan of the human race. Theres some great ones and some pretty awful ones about, so it was inevitable that some of them would piss me off one way or another whilst we were away. Especially because we were in the states and I can count the Americans I can be around on one hand. (Love ya) Unfortunately, these people are wandering free, annoying everyone in their paths so they’ll never get to read this post unless, in some wonderful coincidence they stumble upon it and figure out its about them. My god I hope they do.

Because I didn’t get pictures of these people I have taken in upon myself to embody them.

Here are the top 5 worst people we happened to see on our holiday.

5. Chinese girl on the beach

How her family haven’t slaughtered her with their bare hands I do not know. She had come to Miami with her boyfriend, his parents, her parents and either her auntie and uncle or maybe family friends. Whoever they were, they had had it up to here with her shit. She was wearing shorts and a vest top and then a red hat that blocked sun over a two mile radius. ( I didn’t have any of those props sorry, but she did had plaits and pink trainers)

She walked onto the beach and handed over the digital camera to her mother, who was trying her hardest to not have an inch of her skin touched by sun. She was wearing a sun hat, a white turtle neck too up to her chin, a white t shirt top with long sleeves, some gloves, some grey linen trousers and of course some white tennis shoes. Plus the big golfing umbrella she was holding. Come to think of it I reckon she was only wearing the grey pants to avoid looking like a KKK member. For someone who was so keen to avoid any sort of sunlight I can’t think why she decided on south beach Miami as a good holiday destination. She followed her daughter and did as she was told and took pictures of her from every angle and in a variety of different positions. My personal favourite was the one where she bent down and picked up the sand (picture 3 above). I watched her for ages, annoying her family to the brink of breaking point. After a while I fell asleep, I woke up 2 hours later and she was still trying different poses. She must have some good battery life on that nikon. She took one pointing to the sun, one pointing to the sea, one pointing to the sky, one pointing to ocean drive, one pointing to the life guard, one pointing to some people sunbathing, the list goes on. Her boyfriends face was a picture, which is ironic because she didn’t take any pictures of him.

4. The rude receptionist in New York

The hotel was rubbish full stop but I’ve left a very arsey review on trip advisor already so I won’t futher damage their reputation by slating their staff on here.

Just kidding I will, The Wellington Hotel, 871 7th Ave. 

It was Tom’s birthday whilst we were staying there so I’d bought loads of birthday props to decorate the room with when he’d fallen asleep. It was 3am and I’d blown up about 20 of the 100 balloons I’d brought. I was so sleepy and light headed after the balloon blowing so decided to look for help.

I went down to reception in my pjs and empty balloons in hand and approached the girl sat behind reception. “This is a really strange request but its my boyfriends birthday tomorrow and he’s asleep upstairs. I’ve brought all these balloons and blown up some of them but I was wondering if you could just help me with these ones?” She looked at me as if I’d just said,” This is a really strange request but its my boyfriends birthday tomorrow and he’s asleep upstairs but I really can’t be bothered with him. Would it be ok if we both skinned ourselves and climbed into each others skins, you can entertain him tomorrow then we can swap back tomorrow when he’s fallen asleep again?”

She said, ” Well no I can’t I’m at work.” Really? Are you? How funny because thought you were an intruder who had decided to pretend to be a receptionist and sit behind the desk.

She was literally sat on her arse doing nothing. I wasn’t asking her to come upstairs and do it, we could literally sit there and do like 5 each. It was 3am, who checks in or out at 3am? You’re sat on your phone so stop being mean to me and blow these up.

What happened to customer service? At the hotel I used to work for, if someone asked me to blow some balloons up you’d offer to fill a canister for them with your breath so they wouldn’t have to use theirs. Or if they didn’t have balloons to start with you’d find some for them or learn how to make them yourself from a rubber tree.

She was so confused and shocked at what I’d asked her it was hilarious. She refused and Tom had less balloons than he should have had.

I hope she has no balloons on her birthday, ever again.

 

3. Nick, the tour guide in Miami

This one I could easily send in an email to the tour company but the truth is I don’t want him to be fired. He was so annoying and drove me crazy but I mean, he’s trying to make a living and he might have kids he needs to support.

He was called Nick and he was so annoying. Firstly he failed to mention not to sit on the top deck because you’d be taken out by branches and then he said ‘art deco‘ too many times. For the whole tour he said everything in Spanish after he’d said it in English, which I imagine is as annoying for the Spanish speaking passengers having to listen in English first.

I hated the way he said ‘Serena Williams‘ and ‘Matt Damon‘. It was sort of like he was trying to do an impression of a Cuban doing a Scottish accent.

When we’d stopped in Little Havana he let this man onto the coach who was selling things out of his hat. He was 2ft 3 and I thought he was shouting ‘penis?‘ ‘peeeeniisss?’ but in the end it turns out he was selling peanuts.

I hated the way he said ‘Coral Gables‘ too. It was like he didn’t have enough material to cover the whole tour so he said everything slow, in Spanish and twice.

 

2.Lady on the carriage tour in Charleston

Arghhhhhh. You annoying woman.

We were in Charleston and I’d booked us onto a carriage tour around the town. We go on a carriage with around 8 other people, four couples plus us. The tour guide was great and so funny and not willing to take this womans shit. He made the mistake of saying “if anyone  has any questions just let me know.” Boy did she let him know, every time the poor guy opened his mouth she had a question for him. Her mother missed out the the lesson of not talking when someone else is. It was a running fucking commentary the whole way round.

The lovely tour guide started by going round and asking where everyone was from. I could hear her behind me quietly saying to her husband, ” We’ve come far haven’t we sweetie, yeah real far.” One couple said they’d come from Georgia, so she mumbles, “hm far, not as far as us hey sweetie. I bet cha we’ve come the furthest.” OMG just shut up and in a second you’ll find out who has come the furthest as if it even matters. The tour guide gets to her and she says, “Me and my husband here have come from Pennyslvania, haven’t we ! Very excited to be here, yes very excited to be here sir.“Smacking him on the thigh.  I turned round and looked at who her poor husband was and he looked exhausted. He gave me a look to apologise for her existence and that we’d been cursed with her presence on our tour. The tour guide asked us where we were from and I took great pleasure in saying England. He then goes,” oh wow guys, thats far, well welcome to Charleston !” I turned around to see the angry look on her face after finding out we’d won the ridiculous game of ‘who’s come the furthest.’

Every single thing the tour guide said, she replied with either, ‘wow’, ‘impressive’, ‘cool’, or ‘oh my gosh’. As if she was having a conversation with him on her own.

We passed an old house and the tour guide explained how it was one of Americas oldest buildings. He then says to me and Tom, ” I apologise to you guys, this can’t be that impressive for you, your houses are probably older back home!” She then says to her husband, ” Hmm well Pennsylvania has some old ones too hey sweetie.” REALLY are we now having a competition on whose hometown has the oldest architecture?

We then passed this big gorgeous house that belonged to one of the richest families in South Carolina, the tour guide points out the amazing garden the husband had created for his wife. She turns to her husband and says, ” God dammit Hughie do I have to beg you to do that for me? How many times have I said you need to do the garden.” Then she raises her voice so absolutely everyone can hear, and shouts,” We have 16 acres back home!” STFU.

1. Man in the restaurant in Washington DC

This guy really deserves the number one spot, and I hope he sees this one day and knows it’s about him. You know when you think something bad about a person but you know they’re a good egg and you’d hate for them to know what you’d just thought because you wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. For example if you saw someone walking down the street, and they had crazy teeth, a horrendous hair cut and the worst outfit you’d ever seen  and you think to yourself ‘Wow that person there has crazy teeth, a horrendous hair cut and the worst outfit I’ve ever seen’. But you’d be mortified if they knew you were thinking that because you wouldn’t want to upset them. Then theres some other people that you think awful things about and you want to hurt their feelings. Like if someone shouted something mean at your Nana in the park, you’d literally want to rip their face off, make them eat it and tell them how shit they were. Well he’s one of those people. I would love to hurt his feelings.

We were in Washington at Old Abbitt Grill having dinner and we were put on a table next to another couple. We hardly talked all dinner because we were just ease dropping on this horrendous man and his date. He was bald, about 5.6 and I think around 44. He had ‘rented’ his Japanese date and I was willing to pay her whatever she cost just so she could make a run for it.

She was young, attractive and so sick of this moron but her professionalism kept her sitting there. This guy was so full of shit it was insane. He spoke some Japanese and kept leaning in and saying what I can only imagine to be vulgar slurs in Japanese.

The waiter brought over some oysters and he shouted, ‘Oysters! Yes! For us!‘ so everyone knew what he’d ordered. It wasn’t even an expensive place so he had no reason to be boasting about ordering a $16 starter. She was humouring him and pretending to be very impressed with his bullshit. They he said, “Have you ever been able to have oysters before?” At that point I wanted to lean over, grab his crotch and rip whatever cocktail sausage sized thing he was clearly trying to make up for. She is probably earning more sitting here with you than you do in a year so don’t kid yourself. “Well tonight is a special night ok and you will feel like a princess so enjoy yourself.”Just imagine my face.

He babbled on in Japanese that I hope was wrong and not grammatically correct, and she continued to fake laugh and get her moneys worth ordering long island ice teas. Then he says, “What I love about you, you remind me so much of my daughter.” and feeds her an oyster. I was done with my dinner at that point. “She’s 7. I’ve got one at 5 and one at 7.” God help those kids, I hope they manage to find men less sleazy and repulsive than their father.

He went on and on about how big of a deal he was at work and how Washington was his playground. *hhahahahaahhaahha*

I’d love to hurt his feelings.

Some others who didn’t quite make the top 5:

Kid on the boat with the monobrow – sort your brow out its crazy and I hated your flip flops.

Fat kid in Wendy’s, shut up asking for apple sauce.

Waitress in Bayside who told me to stop feeding the birds my fries. I don’t care if they’re aggressive, they want some fries.

Rude woman in IHOP in New York, I asked for water and you ignored me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The top 5 most iconic arguments me and Tom have had…

Before I start, I’d like to point out how the top 5 have been shortlisted from a list of 500 others. But in homage to our 5 year anniversary I’d like to share with the world the top 5 arguments me and Tom have shared during our time together. I’m pretty sure Tom has forgotten these or blocked them from his memory so hopefully he won’t read this post and remember how much he hates me. Although yesterday was date night and he told me theres not a day that goes by that I don’t infuriate him so maybe he hasn’t forgotten.

Don’t get too upset when reading this post, although some nasty words were exchanged we’re OK and currently eating Chinese food.

Furthermore because I’m a fair person, and I don’t want this to be bias, I have given Tom the opportunity to voice his side of the story after each post.

In no particular order of stupidness here are our 5 most iconic arguments.

 

In at number 5, is the argument that I like to call…

“Non c’è bisogno di mettere in valigia il vostro laptop” 

(Google it)

It was the morning we were flying to Venice for a weekend away in the alleged romantic city. Tom had worked til ridiculously late the night before so I had packed for him. We weren’t taking luggage just handhelds so weight and space was limited.

As we were getting ready Tom says, “where’s your laptop? I need to take it with us so I can work while we’re there.” I was not ok with this for numerous reasons

1. There’s no room or weight for a laptop

2. I have meticulously planned our 3 and 3/4 day trip and haven’t scheduled “toms working time”

3. Who takes a laptop on a city break
4. He’s a PT, what Microsoft office programme could he possibly need?

Enraged I down right refused and said he was not allowed to take my laptop. To which he said fine he would take his. Which by the way is twice the size AND weight of mine. Good one Liv. In a state of rebellion I started packing other stupid things like a mouse mat and scatter cushion. This did not help the situation. I said if he was taking stupid things then i would too and could he please pass me the washing basket. My attempt to make this into a joke did not go down well.

We didn’t speak until the second day and even then it was very minimal. It was only when we were having a gondola lesson and Tom nearly fell in that we made friends.

I would like to point out that the laptop did not come out of the bag and no work was done throughout the trip. 

Toms reply: “I’ll write my reply in my own time.”

In at number 4 is halloumigate.

The way I feel about halloumi is something I’ll never feel for anything else. So when I’ve got myself hyped up for halloumi you can’t take that away from me. I have a strange relationship with food which I think is already obvious if you’ve read the posts below. I get very excited at the thought of cheese in particular, so when I had planned to have cheese rolls and halloumi at the Olive Branch on the avenue on our Wednesday date night you better not take that away from me.

This particular time we had argued about something I can’t even remember. We pulled up and parked at the restaurant and I was just making my finishing mic drop sentence to end the argument and go retrieve my cheese. Tom then says, “no you know what, we aren’t going for dinner like this.” AND PULLS OUT THE CAR PARK AND DRIVES AWAY.

My blood boiled. I can’t even explain with words the anger I felt at that moment. I was screaming for him to let me out the car and throwing a full on tantrum. I had been emotionally preparing myself for halloumi and cheese rolls and they had been stolen away from me in an instance. Not happy.

Tom drove us home and we got out. I stormed into the house, got my car keys and drove back to the restaurant. I ate cheese rolls and halloumi on my own. In the same way nobody puts baby in the corner,  nobody takes cheese away from me.

Toms reply: “What are you talking about?”

Number 3, Vomit Vino

I feel like the picture is a spoiler but never mind.

Thats me falling out of Toms car after he had picked me up from town after clearly a good time. This wasn’t really an argument per say because I don’t recall my involvement but never the less there was shouting and someone was mad with me.

Basically I was picked up in a state thats reflected by the image above. This was strike one for Tom because I’d assured him I wasn’t even drinking and going purely to make sure Hannah was OK. After causing quite a commotion in the car ride home I continued to make things worse on my arrival.

Because I’d held pre drinks at my house, there were lots of empty wine glasses still in my room. I threw up into every one of them. Upon hearing Tom trying to control me, my mum got up and came into the room. I thought this would be a good time to offer her £20 if she drank what was in the glass I was holding. If you haven’t already guessed, it was vomit.

I woke up the next day and Tom was not best pleased that I hadn’t died in my sleep.

I denied the whole thing but luckily for me, Tom had filmed it. He sent me the video and didn’t talk to me for two days.

Toms reply: “Liv I can’t be arsed.”

 

Number 2, the most grown up boring argument we’ve ever had. 

Once again, it was date night. The Saturday before we’d been out for dinner with friends and Tom had been talking to Lizzy and Josh about their plans to get a mortgage.

So we were on our way to dinner and passed a house that was for sale. Tom starts talking about a friend of a friend who paid something a month and something a year for a house that was somewhere and worth some amount. I said to him that I don’t care how much he paid or where it was or how much, we can’t afford a house yet and I’m not bothered.

Tom was desperate to talk about figures and adult stuff and I had zero interest. He said why are all my friends so mature and thinking about the future and I’m so childish. He wished I were more like Hannah and Lizzy so I said I wish he was more like Jake and Josh.

He said I am a child and he will buy a house without me because I have no drive and I’m a four year old in an adult body. Which is completely true, but he should have figured that already.

We didn’t speak and I went to Blackpool for work and didn’t speak to him for 4 days. (which is pretty adult if you ask me)

Toms reply: “I feel like it was justified because I’m dealing with somebody who, at the moment has -£139 to their name and, had to use the money raised from her car boot sale on Sunday to pay for her MOT.”

Number 1, my absolute favourite. Potato chip rock

This one nearly ended not only our relationship but our lives. It was one of the stupidest things we’ve ever done and I think I might have PTSD.

The potato chip hike in San diego is a stupid place and whoever opened it as a hiking trail must hate people. It’s a 8 mile hike up to a rock thats stupidly thin and sticks out so your life is completely at risk the whole time you’re there.

This girl that I do not like, had done the hike a couple of weeks before and I was determined to do it to prove a point.

We’d tried to do the hike once and walked about 500 yards and saw a sign that said, “do not do this hike unless each person has at least 5 litres of water.” This time we were prepared and I was determined to get to the top of that stupid rock.

The first couple miles were ok, and by ok I mean awful, but I hadn’t died yet. It was all up hill and it was half 12, in July, in San diego. I’d eaten both mine and Toms cliff bars and drunk all my water. I thought it was almost over when we got to this tree and there were some people sat down. I asked them how much further we had to go, they said we were nearly half way. At that moment I was done with the hike and my life.

But we carried on and I was literally like a child, I had about 6 mental and physical breakdowns on the way up. I was running most days and gyming so it’s not as if I was in some sort of appalling physical shape but I doubt the Brownlee brothers could walk it without having a bit of a moan. Tom was doing that thing where he’s really worried for our safety but he doesn’t tell me till after we have survived it.

After what felt like days, we got to the top of potato chip rock. There were a couple of people at the top waiting to climb onto the potato chip and take pictures so we just sat down and tried to figure out how we were still breathing in that heat.

It was our turn to climb onto the rock. (My heart is literally pounding just typing this, my god it was friggin awful) The first bit is fine but what they don’t tell you is that theres a gap between the rock and the actual potato chip bit. The ‘gap’ is about 4ft wide and its a 40ft drop down to the next bit of rock. Tom hops over and leans back towards me with his hand to help me over. Now, I’m sure I can hop 4ft, of course I can. But, what if this time I don’t? What if this is the one time I only manage to jump 3 feet, then I fall down the gap and maybe die, maybe just break all my bones. Thats not a risk I’m willing to take, sorry Tom.

“Sorry Tom but I can’t do this, I’m not doing it. I’m not”

“What?!”

“I’m not jumping over that”

“You’re joking, we didn’t hike up this fucking hill for you to not get onto the rock”

Upon hearing the domestic we were having on our two rocks, three guys that had been on the chip before us came back over to help. The three men climbed onto the potato chip with Tom and positioned themselves to basically pass me over. I still wouldn’t do it. They tried for about 20 minutes to get me to jump onto the rock, assuring me there was literally no way I could not make the jump because one of them would pull me and the other two would be catching me.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE not doing it.

After about 30 minutes of what felt like the whole of san diego trying to get me onto that fucking rock, Tom lost it. He jumped back onto my rock and stormed off (with all the water).

I got down and sat under a tree which was where I expected I would just rot away and die.

Another couple came over and climbed onto the rock, I asked them if they wanted to take some pictures for them. They must have thought I was so weird, some weird girl who had hiked on her own with no water or belongings with mascara down her face.

I sat there for a bit longer and wondered what song they’d play at my funeral and decided there was no way I was going to hike all that way and not get to the potato chip.

I was not going to jump that gap though, I was going to rock climb up the side of it. Yep, rock climb, with no equipment, harness or prior experience.

Every nail I had broke and my fingers bled, I was using every bit of grip I had. The couple were watching me like I was a suicidal maniac. If I broke any bones it would cost a friggin fortune. I got about half way up the rock face and started slipping. I was sliding down the rock, slowly but surely, until the man from the couple literally caught my butt cheek in his hand and pushed me back up, I stood in his palm and clambered back up.

Eventually I got to the top in a way I reckon no other man has before. I was on the potato chip ! I threw my phone down to the couple and asked them to take a picture so I could shove it in Toms face later if I ever survived to tell the tale.

The next problem was getting down. I wasn’t going to make the jump so my only option was the same way I came. I held on the best I could and started sliding down, far faster than I imagined I would. For the second time that day, the man and his girlfriend touched my butt (and saved it). But whatever, I had my picture and I was alive.

I started the walk back down on which I was certain I would die. I walked about 300 yards and found Tom sat under a tree looking the angriest I have ever seen him. He was so mad, so so mad that I had insisted we go on this stupid 8 mile hike and then refused to jump onto the rock.”I’m only here because you had no water. Do me a favour and don’t talk to me.”

And I didn’t, we were silent all the way back down, apart from my crying and whining.

We didn’t talk until I asked him if he wanted pink lemonade at in and out later that day.

Toms reply: *laughs* ” You need some balls.”

How do I apply for The Apprentice? Tales of our first car boot sale….

As a result of my insatiable greed, the house is packed full of my clothes that I’ve worn once then decided I hate. It’s a horrible obsessive disease I have and cannot control. There are clothes packed into every crevice in the house, I’m a hoarder but a stylish one. 

I have sold online before on eBay and Vinted but I can’t be bothered with postage and silly women fighting me for 20p. So me and Josie decided to lose our car boot virginities, flog it all to toothless punters and bargain hunters.

My mum had asked her clients who sell there occasionally what it was like and what we should expect. We’d been warned that some people pay extra to come in early and they swarm around like flies when you first arrive. Me and Josie had a plan that we would be stern and take no nonsense. We would stand our ground and not be bullied by the regulars. We pulled up and parked in our allocated spot. There were people literally on the car looking in the windows and trying to see what we had and get dabs. They were like zombies, the clip below perfectly explains what happened when we got there. (But the zombies have more teeth that the people knocking on the windows at the car boot)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo-M5E0T8WI

None the less, we were keeping to our plan of being sassy and taking no nonsense from nobody. A man came up to us as we were opening the boot and asked if we had any old vinyls. “WE ARE NOT SELLING YOU ANYTHING UNTIL WE ARE SET UP” – good job playing it cool Jo. The guy saw our terrified little faces and the zombie shoppers continued to tug at our clothes like annoying toddlers, “any coats?” “any mobile phones miss?”. Jo kept shouting that same phrase that her client had obviously told her to say. I bailed on that and tried selling a fake Moncler jacket to a pregnant gypsy before we’d even switched the engine off. The man was still lingering around and Jo and she said,”We don’t know what we’re doing ok, it’s our first ever time at one of these things.” The death stare I gave Jo after she had said that and just totally blown our game plan was intense to say the least.

Tom and Claudia had come with us to help but quickly bailed and decided to go for a bacon sandwich whilst me and Josie were frantically trying to flog all our stuff, set everything up, erect a trestle table and explain to the Romani gypsies that no they could not have our matching travel bags for £5.

It was an eye opener to say the least. Some people were pretty normal, others you could tell were on day release. There were a lot more angry Turkish people than I had initially expected. Tom was stood sheepishly helping me hold my endless bags of money, remembering how earlier that day he had told me how this would be a waste of time and I’d make £10 if I was lucky. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

My favourite customers of the day were the couple from Morley who nearly bought us out, however the lady should spend less money on second hand clothes and more on a brace to fix that crazy overbite. Another favourite was the final customer of the day who spoke no English but squeezed her XL self into one of Claudia’s XS cardigans that she grew out of aged 8. The persistence and determination of that woman to get into that cardigan is something we should admire and look up to.

After a very successful 5 hours, it’s safe to say I’m completely and utterly addicted to car booting. Any day now you’ll see me on a TLC show about people with weird obsessions. I even felt myself being one of those annoying American sales people and complimenting everyone who tried anything on. The bullshit that was spiralling out my mouth was out of control. I even gave some kids some moam sweets so their Mum would buy a blazer and I hate kids, thats how sales savvy I was being.

I will be going next week and I’m going to be so much more prepared,  Going to a car boot with no change was a problem last Sunday. I will also have some pretty impressive signage and MY BRAND NEW PINK RAIL THAT I AMAZINGLY ASSEMBLED MYSELF.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrsh52d6OBA

 

Guess who’s back back, back again…. Not slim shady, just me.

Yeyyy, I’ve pulled my finger out and written a new blog post! 

(Sorry for my laziness, it’s terrible but I promise it won’t happen again. But it probably will)

Instead of writing just about food, I’ve decided to expand my horizons and write about other things I’m obsessed with. Like spending money I don’t have on holidays and the food I eat there.

BUT don’t worry, I promise this won’t be a travel blog where I go to Thailand and find myself and bring back elephant tapestry to hang on my wall. Because there’s 1,000 other blonde white girls who will do that for you instead.

Throwback Thursday Food Edition

I’ve been appalling at writing blog posts recently because I’m incredibly lazy and also because I’m a big grown up that goes to work which is as awful and tiring as people warned me it would be.

The worst thing about Thursday’s are that people post endless pictures of shit nobody cares about but them. “Tbt Dubai 2012 😉 best week of my life take me back!” Please stop. However, I prefer to spend my Thursday’s thinking about late night shopping and reminiscing about food I used to eat. It’s my upmost pleasure to present to you, tbt food edition.

Number one on the list is rainbow drops. 

My favourite thing about them is that they are multicoloured. I’m talking bright greens and yellows and pinks and oranges, and on the front it says “no artificial colouring”. I’d like to know where from the natural world they are finding those colours. Not sure who let them print that but someone should probably look into that…

Another thing that is great about rainbrow drops are how they refuse to settle into any category. Are they sweets ? No they’re not. Are they cereal? No they’re not. Are they crisps? No they’re not. I don’t know what you are rainbrow drops but I love you. It’s a bit like Catfish, I’ve fallen for something and I don’t know what it is. What a crazy world we live in. They are such a throwback snack that the mainstream super markets have stopped stocking them. So far the only places I’ve managed to find them is pound land and pound world. £1 for 4 big bags that last me a good hour. Magic. As if they aren’t great enough already, they’re about 2 calories per 500g, but then again the packet says no artificial colouring so I don’t they’re being truthful about anything else. On my lunch break last week I went to poundland to get my fix of rainbow drops, 4 hours later I had eaten 8 packets. I know it’s horrendous and I’m embarrassed but the thing that is more horrendous is that I’m not actually embarrassed and I did the same thing the next day. That night I also went to a bonfire and ate three toffee apples. Needless to say, this week I’m covered in spots and nursing a food baby that refuses to go down. Thank goodness bonfire night is in winter because I don’t know how I’d resist the apples if I was attempting to get a summer bod.

Remember Ainsleys? That was great. Don’t you dare say cooplands is the same, don’t you dare. Ainsleys always smelt great and their gingerbread men were phenomenal. The fact that cooplands called their gingerbread biscuits shaped like men gingerbread men makes me sick. Don’t get me wrong, I love cooplands, you can get a ready made sandwich, crisps, a fruit tart, a pack of yum Yums, four cheese twists and a steak bake all for £1.75, so believe me I’m not complaining. But, it’s no ainsleys.

Omg remember milky bar chows. What even were they? Toffee? White toffee? I don’t know but they were sickly and they were great. Did you ever try eating a cold one? If you did you probably lost all your teeth because they were rock solid, but chewy somehow. Who knows, they were probably discontinued because they pulled kids teeth out but you have to pay the price for tasty stuff kids.

Original sunny D. How great was sunny d before Jamie Knobhead Oliver ruined English cuisine forever. I’m not talking about the moderately healthy stuff you can get now, I’m talking about the orange coloured acid that would literally leave you bouncing off the walls. It was the days before they discovered the dangers of blue smarties and everything was packed with E numbers. Those were the days. I think I’m as strange as I am today because of the sugar intake my nana is responsible for exposing me to as a child. She even let me once have cookie crisp for breakfast which you only got if your parents were bad parents. Just a word of warning, if you haven’t tried the new shit sunny d, don’t. Let it live forever in your mind as a happy memory, not a shit new healthier version.

A throwback I need to mention is ‘the orange smartie’. This is not a myth, and it really annoys me when people deny it’s existence. Years ago, there was a burgundy smartie and there was only about three in a pack. It looked like a normal one but it has orange chocolate in it. I SWEAR ITS REAL I PROMISE. I didn’t dream it, it’s real. There was orange flavoured smarties in a purply burgundy coloured shell. If anyone knows what I’m talking about please get it touch, I think about the mystical smartie all the time.

This isn’t a throwback because you can still get it and it’s also weird because it’s not food it’s medicine. But how friggin tasty is bonjela. This one time I had an ulcer in year 2 so my mum put bonjela in my book bag and said put some of this on it if it’s hurting at school. Later that day she picked me up and asked how my day had been, I said fine. She said how is my ulcer, I said fine. She said what did you have for lunch, I handed her and empty bonjela tube. It’s still great I suggest you get yourself some for a snack.

Would You Rather ? Food Edition

If you were stuck in a lift with me for 9 hours, I would make the situation 10 times worse by insisting we play my all time favourite pass time ‘would you rather’. Followed by ‘what dog do you wish was here with us’. Anyone who’s ever been on a late shift with me at the Marriott will know that when I hit a wall and even the legendary gherkins can’t fire me up, I will result to asking you whether you would rather sleep with your parents or kill your dog. An asset to any team. You’re welcome.

Also my biggest pet peeve in a person, that literally means we can’t be friends, is when people say ‘neither’ in a game of would you rather. That’s not an answer, I wasn’t asking if you want arms as legs or legs as arms, I am aware that thats not a desirable fate, I was asking which, if you HAD to chose, which you’d chose. So don’t be one of those morons that answers neither, because thats not fun for anyone.

The ‘would you rather’ food edition was kindly suggested by the fantastic Beth Dean. Who has many a time be subjected to an hour long would you rather at 3am.

So here we are, would you rather food edition, but I feel like I must point out, that usually it can get much more gory but I wanted to use actual edible food. Otherwise it would be along the lines of ….would you rather eat all the Syrian refugees toe nails or eat a dog poo every week for the rest of your life? I choose toe nails because at least when you’re done you’re done, a dog poo a week is a life sentence of poo eating. No thanks, I’ll take the nails. Yummy.

 

First one, Would you rather, never eat burgers again OR never eat pizza again?

I have changed my mind three times since just adding those two pictures. Nobody loves a McChicken sandwich or an in and out cheeseburger more than me, a Sunday without a five guys is a set up for a shitty week. But, dominoes cheese and tomato pizza, the garlic dip you get, come on guys. Or Costco pizza, it doesn’t get much better I don’t think. This is like Sophie’s choice but harder and much more serious. I hate children but I love burgers and pizza. It’s with a heavy heart that I’d have to give up burgers.

Would you rather have to eat a full table spoon on wasabi before every meal, or drink a shot of white wine vinegar before every meal?

White wine vinegar because at least it doesn’t set your mouth on fire.

 

Would you rather never eat meat again, or never eat cheese again?

Before you kill me, and say how obvious it is, I’ve already chosen cheese. Soz. I hate chicken, pork I can totally do without apart from sausages, steaks are nice but mozzarella is nicer. Weighing up both sides I just can’t justify choosing bacon and chicken legs over cheese on toast and nachos. Lamb chops from the Olive Branch are the only things I’d miss and dinners at Gaucho would be awkward but apart from that I don’t care.

Would you rather never eat Doritos again, or never eat Chipsticks again?

I love cheap food, which is embarrassing to confess but RainbowDrops and Chipsticks are my absolute favourite foods of all time. But Doritos are nothing short of fantastic. I think I’d have to say never eat chipsticks again because I feel like Doritos are much more readily available. For example, every time I went to subway, which is everyday, to get my meal deal I’d have to awkwardly look past the Doritos and chose Cheese and Onion Baked or something. I rarely do a weekly shop at Poundland so unless I go out seeking to find Chipsticks you don’t tend to just stumble upon them, they’re like diamonds. It’s like boyfriends, fall out with one that you’d never see out of the blue, not one that you see every time you go to subway. It’s just asking for a life of awkward eye contact. Sorry Chipsticks I never meant to hurt you.

Give up Chinese food forever or Indian food?

Obviously give up Indian. Tom is the only Indian I need in my life. Sweet and sour chicken or chicken korma? Don’t make me laugh.

Would you rather, every time you ate a chocolate bar you had crazy farts till you took a 4 hour nap or overtime you ate crisps you had uncontrollable burps till you took a 4 hour nap?

Firstly, reading that back I now see how ridiculous and unfeasible a 4 hour nap sounds. But to answer that ridiculous question my own brain asked me, I will chose to have crisps give me burps, ONLY BECAUSE I should really eat less crisps. So by having uncontrollable burps I feel like that would put me off eating 8 packets of monster munch in one afternoon. In the same way I wish I was allergic to fat, I almost wish I developed a weird intolerance to crisps because it would do a world of good.

Would you rather, look like Candice Swanepoel but only eat digestives for the rest of your life, or look like you and eat whatever you want?

If think my food blog answers that question. No lingerie looks as good as cake tastes.

One gross one to leave you with

Would you rather have to eat everything you ate that day but in liquid form before you went to sleep, or have to puke everything on a morning that you ate the day before in puke form? 

I can’t resist

Would you rather store everything you ate in your forehead, or everything you didn’t eat in your feet?

I don’t even understand the last one.

Soz

5 Fictional Foods I will forever long for

Watching TV is an absolute no, on an empty stomach. The same way that going to Costco when you’re hungry is a disaster waiting to happen, going to Costco when you haven’t eaten can lead to you going to the checkouts with 4 large personalised birthday cakes that other families ordered, 16 punnet of strawberries, 8 crates of diet coke, 5 trays of danish pastries, 6 jumbo bags of garlic shrimp, 4 trays of variety sandwiches and rolls, and a 7 person garden swing, so that after you’ve eaten you have somewhere to sit. True story, the other day we were having lunch at Costco after our shopping and on the table next to us was a mother and her two daughters who were sitting down to eat whatever they’d got from the Costco cafe. WRONG they’d gone a step above us and just bought stuff from the shop and sat down to eat it, I promise you I’m telling the truth; between a mum and her two young teenage kids they had in front of them, a whole chicken, two trays of sushi, a hot dog each and a sandwich selection, plus drinks. I’m serious, and if you’re out there reading this… we weren’t laughing at you and your insatiable hunger, we were simply admiring you and the amounts of food you were attempting to eat. I hope this was a case of your eyes being bigger than your stomach otherwise I’m guessing you probably ended up in hospital that day. So, as I was explaining, watching TV on an empty stomach is as dangerous as food shopping on an empty stomach. Come Dine With Me and Dinner Date are both big no no’s for me if I’m hungry because I will end up eating my family. But there are some foods on TV that I crave more than others.

In no particular order, the first food I have longed for is:

The Child Catchers Sweets 

I have a strange relationship with the child catcher. When I was younger I hated him obviously, any child who doesn’t hate him and have endless reoccurring nightmares about him is either lying to you or doesn’t have any sense of fear of being kidnapped and that’s very odd. That was my main concern as a child, being kidnapped, it’s a fear forced upon us by film and TV but rightly so I’d say because it doesn’t look like a good time. I spent my childhood watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Finding Nemo and Madeline so it was obvious that as a kid I would fear abduction every waking minute. But since I’ve grown up, I’ve changed my views on the child catcher, and now instead of counting my blessings that he’s not real, I’ve started to wish he was. I’ve found out that children are in fact awful and so rightfully need catching and keeping underground. How funny how your views can change on a person, first impressions aren’t always right I suppose. So now, because he poses no danger to me, one because he’s not a 22 year old catcher and two, because I’m twice the size of him, I would actually like a look at his sweet collection/free lolly pops. I couldn’t think of a better afternoon than riding around town with him and his cart clearing the streets of rotten kids and having a sugar rush. The child catcher seems quite innocent now I look back, aged 6 it didn’t look like it could get much worse than being captured by him but now in my maturer years I now have bigger fish to fry, sex trafficking is a more worrying fate.

“AND ALL FREE TO-DAY”

Mrs Trunchball’s Truffles 

I feel like any chocolates that Miss Honey and Matilda would risk their lives to have are worth having. They must be pretty good if you are that determined to have one. I’m not even that bothered about chocolates from boxes, I know thats the weirdest statement ever but I much prefer cheap chocolate to the crappy hazelnut ganache you get in nice chocolate boxes. I’m easy to please, just get me some Roses, don’t waste your time with gross Godiva ones that I will take one bite from and put right back in the box. If life is like a box of chocolates then life is overrated rubbish and filled with pistachios. No thank you. So if her chocolates are the nice kind from Thorntons then I think she was completely in her rights to try and kill them both. But if they’re like the expensive shitty ones then she needs to chill because they’re gross. Chill Miss T Chill.

Monica’s Holiday Candy

Just to be extra clear, I don’t want the mac and cheese or the wolverine carrots she’s holding in that picture but I couldn’t find pictures of her holiday candy. There’s a long list of Monica Geller’s food that I wanted to eat, like Phoebe’s grandma’s cookies, her thanksgiving dinners, her bouillabaisse but especially her holiday candy she makes for the neighbours. I imagine them to be really fudgey but this might just be me making that up in my head to make them seem even nicer. All I know is that apparently they taste like ‘little drops of heaven’ so why wouldn’t I want to try one. I’ve heard nothing but great reviews on the candy, so if I watch that episode I’ll need a box of (cheap) chocolates ASAP.

Bob Belcher’s Burgers

I crave burgers most of the day anyway but if I watch Bob’s burgers then my cravings go into overdrive. Why does cartoon food sometimes look better than real food ? Serious question. Why do I want to try the family guy mash potato they always have at dinner? More so than I want actual mash, I want cartoon mash. And the specials board, oh the specials board. MMM MMM. Get me so involved in the specials board. The episode of Bob’s Burgers when they got the soft serve machine I had to track down the nearest Mr Whippy van and get my fix. The worst part about craving cartoon food is that I’ll never ever get to try it unless I draw it and eat the paper. Heartbreaking.

Chicken Run Chicken Pie

You’re probably now thinking, wow Liv really misunderstood that film. No, I didn’t I really do want to eat the lead female protagonist in a pie. Sorry not sorry she looks delicious. Instead of me hating Mr and Mrs Tweedy in the end I’m actually just hungry for chicken pie. So I go to the freezer and cook one, and this chicken ain’t running nowhere. YUMMY.

“BUT I DON’T WANNA BE A PIE. I DON’T LIKE GRAVY”

Shag, Marry, Avoid Food Edition

I use the term shag, marry and avoid very loosely, because as you are probably aware, I don’t have any sort of sexual attraction food, especially not to promise and commit my life to, in sickness and in health. But there is some I avoid at all costs for very valuable reasons. If we translate shag, to maybe eat once but would never be interested in seeing them again despite others being very keen, and marry to being foods that I would rather shoot myself than live without, and avoid to foods that if their existence ceased the world would be a better place.

Ok so my Marry list : 

Nachos

Nachos are a glamourised way of me eating ready salted crisps with cheese melted on top. If I use tortilla chips instead of crisps, and add some salsa I can now call them Nachos which I think is a beautiful thing. Thank you Mexico. I spend most my summer eating Mexican food in San Diego, which is like Mexico but with more Mexicans I think. This means real Mexicans are making my nachos and it’s the most spectacular thing to ever happen. I don’t have a problem with ordering a share order of nachos and eating the whole thing myself, that’s how I would describe a perfect afternoon. In August we went to the Baja Beach Cafe in Pacific Beach and obviously I ordered the nachos for 3+ and they were the best nachos I’ve ever had and I think about them all day everyday. I didn’t manage to finish them, obviously because I have one stomach, not three, much to my surprise and disappointment. I asked to take them home because I didn’t want to leave them and let the nachos feel like they’d disappointed because they hadn’t they had excelled in being what they set out to do, be nachos. Tom had to go get the towels from the car so I could go to the beach because I couldn’t move, because of the unbeatable nachos and my mega margarita that was as awful as it sounds. He took the nachos to put in the car and returned with the beach bag. I asked him how my nachos were and if he’d safely got my pride and joy to the car, he then told me he had given them to a homeless man on the way to the car. The rest of the day I had to act like I still loved him.

Gherkins

If it already has gherkins on, I’d like extra. That’s the life motto I live by, it hangs above my bed. At work when it got to two AM the only thing that could get me to four was the gherkins in the kitchen. They are the most spectacular gherkins I’ve ever had. If I can advise you on anything it would be to go into the Marriott restaurant and order just one gherkin and get ready for your life to change. They are so acidic and marinated in vinegar that it’s a bit like drinking paint stripper. You can actually feel your organs shuddering with the acid. As soon as someone new started the first thing I would ask them was if they liked gherkins and if they said no I knew we were not going to be friends, but if they said yes I would tell them to meet me in the kitchen at 11:30 when the chefs had gone home and I would give them a taste sensation, which looking back I understand why I was stood up so many times, and I probably should have explained prior that I just wanted to make them try a gherkin. However, despite my love for gherkins, I was once betrayed by a gherkin. I was in Laguna Beach having lunch (oops, Liv you dropped something) and I ordered a burger and it had a huge gherkin on the top, so of course I dug in and asked Tom to give me his gherkin as well, and he said “Liv, no we are at a restaurant, so inappropriate” Joking. His actual gherkin. So as I started eating mine I realised something had gone horribly wrong. It was a cinnamon marinated gherkin. And it was by a mile the worst tasting thing in the whole world, what sort of devilish lunatic would ever think to do that. I mean I love cinnamon it’s my favourite thing in the whole world and I love gherkins but together it was satan’s work. It’s like having two really good friends that just don’t get along, but its fine I can have cinnamon toast for breakfast and a gherkin for lunch, no problem but together it’s literally offensive.

Fudge

I DO NOT MEAN THAT BUTTERY CRUMBLEY STUFF that people are claiming is fudge nowadays. I mean the fudge you used to be able to get at the Harewood sweet shop. The vanilla is white and looks like a cuboid angel. It’s so soft in the middle but harder towards the edges and it’s a culinary masterpiece. I remember the day I went to Harewood and found out they had stopped doing the homemade fudge, my 10 year old heart crumbled into a million pieces like that stupid stuff people are claiming is fudge now. They used to do this mint choc chip one that was dark brown and neon green and it might have just been the best thing ever. I was so obsessed with this fudge that I hid some in my room so nobody could have any, but I forgot about it and it went mouldy and it stank, which teaches you an important lesson which is, if you are hiding food from people, buy a mini fridge to keep in your room otherwise it will grow fur like mine did. The great news is theres a place now in York that does exactly the same fudge as Harewood House did and they have samples everyday so you can go wild. It’s called Fudge Kitchen and its like Disney Land for me but better because I have motion sickness but I love fudge. The smell is magical and I recommend you go asap and get a block in every flavour. Also I just googled it and you can  order online so just email me and I’ll send you my address.

Cinnamon

If you don’t like cinnamon we can’t be friends because theres obviously something wrong with you. I do the cinnamon challenge everyday for breakfast but with toast and it’s the breakfast of champions. I’ll put cinnamon on anything except gherkins. Why hasn’t anyone made cinnamon cake? That seems like a really obvious thing to do. Churros are covered in cinnamon so obviously they’re great, anything covered in cinnamon and sugar instantly becomes fantastic. Maybe the weirdos who don’t like cinnamon need some sprinkling on them with some sugar and they might come to their senses. I found out the other day that cinnamon comes from a cinnamon tree which I think is the weirdest thing to ever happen. Does it smell? Can you grate the tree on your toast? Can I buy one ? Do they have leaves? What do the cinnamon leaves taste like? I’m very confused I think I might have misread the  packaging in a hungry delirious state.

Buttermilk Pancakes 

I long for pancakes every second of the day, there’s not a moment in time when if you offered me pancakes that I would say no. Last week at Costco I stumbled upon the exact mix I had in America and it might have just been the happiest moment of my life. Since then I’ve had them everyday for breakfast and for dinner and its been the best week ever. People have always said I’m so high maintenance but it some flour eggs and sugar really that much to ask? I’m so easily pleased food wise, buttermilk pancakes are the way to my heart and now I can make them whenever I want and I’ve never been happier.  Remember that episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch with all the pancakes, the day I watched that I cried because my mum wouldn’t make me pancakes and I was livid. When I’m older I’ll be known as the crazy pancake lady, when it’s halloween I’ll give the kids pancakes not sweets and instead of loads of cats I’ll have loads of pancakes scattered around the house and maple syrup in my hair.

My shag list, foods that I wouldn’t refuse if they were on a plate, but you all need to get over them. 

Bacon

Get over it. All of you just move on. The world is obsessed with it, that being a huge generalisation because a proportion of the world are Muslim and Jewish but the rest of you need to move on. The only time I’d ever be excited about Bacon is if it’s being used as a blanket for a sausage on Christmas day, other than that I’ll pass thanks. Why can you get a phone case with bacon on but not cinnamon toast? That’s so weird. I feel like its fashionable to love Bacon now too, “oh my god, I’m so hip I had a bacon sandwich for breakfast.” No, your’e not cool for liking rolled out sausages. And American bacon, have you ever tasted such a monstrosity? Thats basically burnt parma ham. Get real guys. Have you tried sausages? They’re much better. Cara Delevigne has a bacon tattoo, why? Is she being commissioned by cows to promote pig eating? I don’t understand what’s happened with the bacon thing. I actually go as far as if a burger comes with bacon I’ll ask for it without the flat crispy sausage nonsense.

Sweet Potato Fries

I understand why you would order sweet potato fries if you had no idea normal fries existed. But if you’d ever had regular fries why would you ever consider getting sweet potato fries? My mum fricking loves them and it makes me question if she’s my actual mother. The other thing that just boggles my mind is the way waiters ask, ” would you like to upgrade them to sweet potato fries for an extra 50p?” Upgrade? You’re obviously kidding here. No I wouldn’t like to downgrade my fries for a shit, healthy, orange version.

Cheesecake 

I have zero interest in cheesecake. It’s not cake, it’s a tart. Cakes are spongey and great. Cheesecake is a glamourised cream cheese cracker. There isn’t a restaurant that exists that doesn’t have cheesecake on the menu but do they have spotted dick? Steamed syrup pudding? Nope, they do not. And the reason is because everyones obsessed with cheesecake and I don’t get it. I also think if they put New York in front of the word cheesecake you will somehow want it more and don’t pretend you wouldn’t because you would. In 1999 if somewhere had New York Cheesecake on the menu but not ice cream and jelly there would be public outrage. Another thing thats insane in the variety of cheesecake on offer, oreo cheesecake and people lose their shit. I don’t care about oreos and I don’t care about cheesecake, so the two combined is just stupid. Why do you all love it so much? And salted caramel cheesecake? Whats wrong with sweetened caramel cake? can you please all get over the cheesecake ASAP because I’m so bored of it.

Roast Dinners

Yawn. I wonder how many people will upload a picture of an ugly, soggy roast dinner tomorrow afternoon with a caption like, “Got that Sunday feeling! Yummmyy <3” Just stop. Yes, if I hadn’t eaten for weeks and I’d been homeless then I would welcome a roast dinner but other than that no thanks. On Christmas day its fine because that’s what you’re meant to have, but how could you expect to make a dinner every Sunday and not be bored of it? My mum has actually stopped making roast dinners on a Sunday because my family can’t deal with the tantrums I throw.  Overrated nonsense.

Curry

Bored

My Avoid list, foods that I think should be obliterated.

Coriander

Apparently 14% of people have a certain gene that makes coriander taste like soap. I swear I didn’t make that up, Google it, I have that gene. I hate coriander more than words could ever explain. Coriander is my arch nemisis and it haunts me, sometimes I have nightmares that I had been kidnapped by Corey Ander and he’s trying to kill me. The worst thing is that everyone is obsessed with it. People sprinkle it on everything, I wouldn’t be surprised if McDonalds starts sprinkling it on their fries. I love Mexican food but I think coriander is their national mascot, which means I have to spend the first 20 minutes of the meal picking out all the shitty little green bits. The hilarious thing is that before I found out about this gene I would complain to my mum that she hadn’t washed the cutlery properly and that she must have left soap bubbles on the plates. I couldn’t understand why no one else minded that their enchilada tasted of fairy liquid.

Liver 

Are you joking. As mean as it is, I have no problem with nibbling on a bit of cow leg from time to time or a chickens boob, but an internal organ? We can’t be serious. It looks like beetroot but its an organ, how does that not make you gip? Its a blacky red slab of somethings insides. What if some mishap at the Cow Organ factory meant that a human liver accidenltally slipped in? The grossest thing is that you wouldn’t even realise! If a human breast was found at KFC you’d be like ” Ok somethings wrong I have a nipple in my popcorn chicken, this isn’t chicken breast.” But if you ate human liver instead of cow liver you’d just be like, ” Oh, a big slimy black slab of organ? Yummy.” How is that not weird to people?

Coconut Water

If you say you like coconut water you’re a liar or your tongue is broken. What’s wrong with regular water? If you’re bored of normal water maybe try juice.

Nandos

How Nando’s is still a thing I do not know. I still go from time to time because I think I must be missing something and I give it more chances but each time I go it’s still horrendous. There’s nothing cheeky about dry tasteless chicken. It’s a fast food place with actual plates, thats it. If I won the lottery I’d buy it and burn them all to the ground. Fingers crossed.

Papaya 

It smells like poop. It smells like human faeces, baby sick and maybe cheese. It’s the worst fruit ever, in a fruit salad it’s like a smelly uncle that nobody wanted at the party. If you haven’t had it I suggest you try it just so you can taste how awful it is. I just googled ‘why is papaya gross’ to see if there was a reasonable explanation and the first thing that comes up is ‘Does Papaya always taste like ass?’ Which I think accurately sums up papaya.

The Best of the Biscuit

I’ve decided to release my official top 6 biscuit chart because it’s important that you all know which to buy me if you are looking to buy me a crunchy treat one day if I’m mad with you. If I didn’t make this list you might come over with something ridiculous like fig rolls or toffee dodgers and I’d have the awkward task of quickly removing you from the premises. This way, we all know where we stand. I feel like biscuits are a very complex matter and I must state first and foremost that I do not mean to cause offence with this post. The top six are my top six and I mean no disrespect to you and your favourite biscuit. I wish you a lifetime of happiness together.

I also think biscuits are a wonderfully English thing, if you ask an American what biscuit is there favourite they’ll think you mean those horrible Yorkshire pudding type things they get confused with, poor things, how wrong they are. What do they dip in their Yorkshire tea?

Ok so lets begin.

Coming in at an impressive yet modest number 6 is… 

The Chocolate Digestive

There’s not much to dislike about the chocolate digestive, however in the same way there’s not much to like. It’s simplicity is both its strength and its weakness, what a crazy world we live in. I think if as a country, we had to send one biscuit to represent us at the Annual European Biscuit Contest, the chocolate is what we’d send. Lets not over complicate things, lets just get the job done. All we need is some crunch and flavour and lets cover it in chocolate. Think about the day the poor normal digestive biscuit was on top of his game, he woke up that day not knowing they were going to introduce basically a better version of him and make him look a total fool. It’s like when people have a child and it’s unbearably ugly and everyones like “oh god how boring is their child, it’ll never make anything of itself with a face like that.” Then they have another baby and it’s an upgraded version, a more perfected version of their first born. That’s exactly the case with the digestive and the chocolate digestive. Digestives are what you eat if you have a stomach bug and you want the blandest tasting food ever created. A chocolate digestive is what you eat when you have people you need to impress over. You make them tea, bring out the chocolate digestive and they all lose their shit.”This is a person that know’s their stuff guys, lets be friends with this guy.”

At number 5 is….

Marks & Spencers Extremely Chocolate Rounds

Firstly I’d like to say that the name ‘Extremely chocolate rounds’ is ridiculous and I hate it. Whoever came up with that needs firing from the Marks & Spencer’s Biscuit Naming Department. But, name aside, this biscuit is dreamy. It’s the body builder of the biscuit world and is so aesthetically pleasing that if biscuits had a beauty pageant, it would win hands down. (Unless party rings were in the running, because in that case nobody else would get a look in.) I’d say it’s more of a chocolate bar than a biscuit because its huge and ‘extremely’ chocolatey which it hints at in its stupid name.  It’s delightful never the less but I’d say the average person could only eat a maximum of three in one sitting because its the big balls of the biscuit world. I imagine this is what the Kray twins or Al Capone would chose as their favourite biscuit just because it’s so ballsy and arrogant. If you dropped one on your foot it would hurt, thats how serious this biscuit is about being a biscuit. I salute you Extremely Chocolate Round for being you and not taking any shit from anyone.

Number 4….

The Nice biscuit

The Nice biscuit is nice, which I mean in the nicest way possible. Its just nice because thats all it has to be. It’s not here to make the world a better place, it’s just here to be nice and thats all. Don’t expect too much because it’s just a biscuit guys, it’s not suggesting you love it, or spend lots of time with it, or take it to a fancy restaurant, it’s just here to have with tea of coffee with you and just taste nice. I think the person who invented the Nice biscuit had this in mind whilst creating it. Don’t go in all guns blazing claiming to be something you’re not, just be nice; and thats what the biscuit has done. Some people might criticise the Nice biscuit and suggest he is the Switzerland of biscuits, but who is it hurting? No one. The Nice biscuit believes in good old fashioned values, keep it simple, get the job done and always be Nice. If people in this world were more like the Nice biscuit I think it would be a nicer place to be.

Number 3…

Garibaldi 

Garibaldi is so underrated it kills me. Why isn’t this selling out on a daily basis people? It’s wonderful, I don’t understand why it’s not a bigger deal. How is everyone so obsessed with stupid things like custard creams and Garibaldi is just sat there like an idiot, thinking to itself wtf have I done wrong. The biggest selling point for Garibaldi and personal favourite trait of the biscuit is that it’s sold in sheets. Yep, you heard me, sheets of biscuit. So if you’re on a diet and in your plan it say you are allowed one biscuit a day, why would you have 1 Bourbon when realistically you can have a sheet of Garibaldi. I can’t stress my frustration that people don’t like this biscuit enough. Why are we campaigning for things over seas when we have neglected one very important refugee that is the Garibaldi biscuit. Another thing I love about the Garibaldi biscuit is that it was my absolute favourite biscuit as a child, probably because I was allowed endless sheets of it, but also because my best friend was called Gaby Baldwin, and if you haven’t realised already, that sounds a lot like Garibaldi especially when you’re 3 and haven’t quite got the hang of vowels yet.

Number 2….

The Ginger Biscuit

The Ginger biscuit will always be a special biscuit because of my Granddad. Everyday at around 4 or 4:30 he would come round to splurge on ginger biscuits and get away from my Nana so she could watch Deal or No Deal. He and Lola would basically split a packet between them, and that went on for years, both him and my dog getting fatter and fatter. Lola can smell a ginger biscuit a mile off and I never have the heart not to share with her because I know she misses her daily packets of biscuits and Granddad. The biscuit is crunchy and stubborn but perfect with tea and thats him summed up. Long live the ginger biscuit.

I’m nervous to announce my number 1 because I think I will be burned alive but I must stick to my guns and stand up for what I believe in. I think people may be disappointed I didn’t pick the Oreo, but I think its overrated nonsense. Why are they available in every form? Call me when I can get a HobNob milkshake ok.  If they were wiped off the planet tomorrow I wouldn’t care, I’d actually enjoy seeing everyones stupid faces mourn that annoying biscuit. IT’S A BOURBON WITH WHITE CREAM PEOPLE. It’s time to get over the Oreo and get back to real biscuit business.

Number 1 …

The Rich Tea Biscuit 

It’s everything a biscuit needs to be, if you looked up the word biscuit, there the Rich Tea would be laughing at your face because you expected to see an Oreo. I can easily have the whole packet in 10 minutes and I feel no guilt about that. They’re not sickly, they’re not bland they’re just a great biscuit. The Rich Tea is the underdog of the biscuit world because other biscuits have moved on to bigger and better things like adding marshmallows and jam and bullshit things like that. But who’ll have the last laugh, The Rich Tea. It can hold it’s head up high and say ‘I’m a biscuit and thats all I am and thats all I’ll ever be.’ You’d never see the Rich Tea biscuit sponsoring a TV show or a huge advertisement in Times Square and that’s because it’s a biscuit, not an olympic athlete, not a super model, just a biscuit and that’s all it needs to be. It’s the pressure we’ve put on the biscuit world that is the reason why they’ve come up with monstrosities like Jaffa Cakes and Florentines. The Rich Tea is the opposite of the Oreo and that’s a wonderful thing to be. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what they even taste of but all I know is that they’re great and them winning the number one spot is like one huge middle finger to the modern world of biscuits.